I have been reading another woman’s writings on her blog, http://hisgirlalone.blogspot.com. You know how when you “find” a blog that catches your attention, you read the older posts, check it out for a few weeks and then decide this is worth my time. Koodaigirl is that kind of blog.
Her post on Feigned Repentance was good. Like any thought-provoking writing, this post took me to a place unexpected. I had thought to post about others and realized, no, I must again acknowledge how my own refining is still ongoing.
No one told me. I really did not know. When confronted in a harsh accusatory manner, I was stunned. The lack of grace and gentleness was amazing especially since the telling was by a Christian leader who was supposed to lead, instruct, care, who never said a word to me before.
No tough love there, no love at all.
Sorting through the false accusations and lies to the truth was tough going. It just about destroyed me. Breaking will do that you know. Refining is not destroying.
Someone told me to be strong. Did they not know I was being strong because I got up every morning going through the motions? One person joked trying to make me feel better. The slashing was too deep. I did listen to God as I wept. I repented.
Many folks told me they just did not get what had happened or why. They disagreed with what transpired. The leader did have relational problems and most of us had felt his distance. But his actions were not the point.
I was the point and God had business with me.
Though their words were kind and helped me in the processing and sorting, I could not allow that to tempt me away from the refining.
You see, the destroyer meant it for harm. He meant it for good. Refining is not destroying. It is hard and often bitter but not meant to destroy.
A group who loved me prayed with me and for me and my poor husband who was steadfast even as he had to process. One woman, finally, thankfully walked beside me in my refining, refusing to be merely a sounding board but
eventually to take me to the hard places toward healing.
Time passed as I learned under His tutelage. The scar is still there. A deep learning took place because He loved me too much to leave me in my sin.
And the Holy Spirit taught me and still teaches me.
“Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. …
work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure. ” Phil 2: 5-8, 12b-13